riding the rainbow bridge 🌈 across the sea 🌎

D E C E M B E R 2 7 , 2 0 2 2

last night I dreamt my car was leaking fuel

#symbolism

>>> i have life-changing news!!!! but first, the preface…

i rise in the dark of an early winter morning. pull a sweater over my head, socks onto my feet, step into the quiet of the living room. i feel the turning of a tide. unsettled. uncertain.
i pull three tarot cards…

the two of wands tells me to contain myself. it demands my energy be collected and concentrated to provide the courage necessary to embark on new paths. (change is on the horizon, i can feel the electricity and I’ve been pulling the tower and the fool on repeat). two of wands tells me to patch my leaks so I don’t lose fuel.

the five of swords cuts through illusion – a bright spirit breaking through the power of fear. readiness to see / name / accept / release my fear in order to liberate the energies that have been bound. #transformation is always on the other side of fear.

the six of disks reveals that other side -- what emerges from the melting down of fear, repurposing it into something life-affirming – something creative and useful. six of disks is success. transformation. an external manifestation of the inner #lifegoals (I spent years and years dreaming that the ace of disks would eventually become my “life card”)

defeat + success- all in one reading.

the morning is electric with impending change. like the air before a midwestern thunderstorm -- you know something’s coming… the entire atmosphere has shifted, but you can’t see it yet with your eyes.
my intuition usually knows what’s up.

i ask myself:: what do i associate with the idea of defeat?
what is failure \ defeat to me?
falling short. giving something my all and still not being able to manifest \\ achieve it
remembering the amanita nightmare -- reaching, stretching, maximum effort… yet still beyond my grasp. not being good enough.

(hi, my name is jessi and i’m an enneagram type one… nice to meet you. if you don’t know your enneagram, it can teach you a lot about how you interpret the world / relate to fear and strength / manage your emotions / grow or deteriorate as a human)

i ask myself:: what does success mean to me?
the wind at my back. the radiant light of inspiration kissing my face.
soul-led // spirit aligned.
channels clear, antenna extended,
creative juices flowing // passion for life gushing
eyes sparkling: glowing golden vitality from the inside out
bridging the spiritual and the material 
my insides manifest on my outsides.

technicolor expression
living in attunement with my deep authenticity. 

“the authentic self is the soul made visible.”
-sarah ban breathnach

i have become a source \\ a wellspring // that nourishes others deeply
inner world a stream of abundance, the magic is inexhaustible. “the more you draw, the more abundant is its flow.”

i spend the day making medicine: a year’s worth of healing salve, a winter’s worth of elderberry elixir, an array of floral essences. enough to share with loved ones in yule care packages (a homegrown homemade homestead holiday).

on the outside, a quiet day of homemaking.
on the inside, buzzing, restless, anticipating… what? what’s happening??

for months i’ve felt the tectonic shifts. the volcano erupted while we were in hawai’i.
my life feels like a pressure cooker. something’s about to explode, never be the same.
i hold the tension between being too tight to remain in the bud, yet not quite ready to bloom. 

then, the explosion. we’re flung from the nest!

ask and ye shall receive.
lightning-fast manifestation (i literally feel like i was hit by a lightning bolt. jittering, shaking all day)

for months i’ve been receiving the news from the inside that it’s almost time to take the leap (the leap i’ve been sensing and dreaming my whole life)
two days ago i wrote in my 2023 intentions, somewhat on a whim - a stretch, “move to hawaii”
(soul-led for a lifetime. heart knows. mind doubts -- no idea how to manifest, but deep knowing of truth, rightness, timing.)

i know it’s coming so soon, i can feel it, but it doesn’t make sense until today -- we receive the news from the outside that it’s time to move (beloved uncle \ owner of cabin in the woods messaged us that he’s selling in march)

all stars align… cosmic opportunity extended… willingness activated. 

the decision is made before it makes sense. but the moment it’s made, everything falls into place. work opportunities. financial provision. family love + support. SO MANY SIGNS + SYNCHRONICITIES it blows my mind.

this is the moment my soul has been telling me about // preparing me for.

in visions. dreams. journeys. readings. knowings. #notsosubtle
3, 2, 1, blast off!!

is it really here? is it really real?

>>>>> we’re moving to hawai’i <<<<<

terror? elation? the mind reels but the heart knows.

my soul is speaking to me (not so quietly).
signs and symbols all day everyday.

dreams of swimming the deep waters, remembering how to breathe.

visions of dolphin-dancing, pat and i spiraling, playful, ecstatic, splashing up from the ocean into rising rainbow double helixes.
pure and absolute bliss activations.
evolutionary awakenings.

in a hypnosis journey with my energy teacher, i have a vision ::

i stand at the edge of the west coast – the threshold of the sea. i stare into the infinite expanse and clearly ask :: what is to be done? what actions must be taken for the next stage of my evolution?

a bridge of brilliant white light beams from the land at my feet, arching all the way across the ocean.
truth shimmering. invitations illuminated.
“ride the light like rainbow brite across the sea.”

instantly, i remember a story from carlos castaneda’s book “a separate reality” in which don juan reveals that not every place is good to sit or be on – each of us has a “place of power” where we experience alignment, wisdom, purity and clarity of mind.
((places of power are geographic zones (large or small) which possess energy fields that are of significance for people.))

in the book, don juan instructs castaneda to find his place of power on the porch. after an entire evening (hours and hours and hours) of frustration, exhaustion, and relentless searching, he finally gives up and plops himself down, resigned.
in that moment, he is suddenly and undeniably recharged. his energy brightens, his body lightens. clarity. peace. inner strength.
he tests it by moving a little to one side, and then the other. once again exhausted, pessimistic, weak. 
he returns to his newfound place -- undeniably a source of power. undeniably the “right” place for him.

i have known since i was a little girl that hawai’i is one of my power places.
heart-fated. soul-mated.
i’ve spent the last 15 years wavering back and forth on how to take the leap.
i know in my soul that it’s right.  but it doesn’t make sense!   it’s my destiny!   but how on earth?

hawai’i is paradise -- heaven on earth (my work is to empower the bridge between the two) but it’s impractical! indulgent!
the heart knows, the mind fights back.
what will you do with this one wild and precious life?

me? i follow the call of the soul, and it walks me all the way home.

“i've been staring at the edge of the water
'long as i can remember
never really knowing why
every turn i take
every trail i track
every path i make
every road leads back
to the place i know where i cannot go
where i long to be…
and the call isn't out there at all, it's inside me.
it's like the tide, always falling and rising.
i will carry you here in my heart, you'll remind me
that come what may, i know the way.”
- moana
#criedthewholetime #deepknowing #wavesofdestiny

following the heart is the key that unlocks sides of ourselves that would otherwise remain closed forever.
god rewards willingness. “nature loves courage. you make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. this is the trick. this is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. this is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. this is how magic is done -- by hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it's a feather bed.”  - terence mckenna

i’m an emotional manifesting generator (do you know your human design?)– i’m powered by “right” feelings. can’t do anything unless/until it feels deep down right in my being (a blessing that sometimes feels like a curse). i’m here to do things that make me feel alive, on purpose, fully engaged, energized, fulfilled. it’s part of my purpose, my dharma. i must wait for a solid embodied uh-huh or nuh-uh, even if it means waiting for years (decades!).

we’ve been searching for home for almost two decades. we’ve traveled to over 30 countries, moved 7 times in 10 years. every place has been fated. every leap an evolution. yet nowhere brought that deep resounding embodied permanent yes… our home.

this has been a big pain point for a long time. my taurus moon aches for belonging, for roots.
carl jung reminds me, “you must love the thing you want to change.” so i embrace my gypsy nomad side. we all do. we become a fellowship set forth on a great adventure. we see the world. we explore, love, connect with the earth. we live our lives as a great experiment. engage fully with life as it’s meant to be now.
everything is a trade off. we barter domestication for wildness.
it hurts and it heals, both.

i wrote my word for the year.
arrival.

then i pull a card for the year ……. the ace of disks!! 😭🙏😭🙏😭
two days later, the decision was “officially” made and the logistical wheels were set in motion.

hawaii has been a yes in my heart and soul since i was 7 years old (my family vacationed all over the islands every winter for decades). but my life wasn’t ready. i wasn’t ready. i wasn’t calibrated\ refined enough. until i was.

the monumental inner work that occurred in 2022 paved the way for this explosive decision to occur seemingly all at once. the speed is shocking. terrifying and enlivening on all levels. the move, work opportunities, physical healing, relationship milestones, unexpected blessings of abundance.
human metamorphosis. radical, rapid transformation.

a technicolor explosion of lifelong dreams, all coming true at the same time.

hawai’i reached out and claimed me.
“what you seek is seeking you.” rumi
(the first ever meme i made was this quote over an image of the hawaiian islands, the day after i saw moana. it’s way back on my insta feed - 2017ish - if you want to check it out).

the white light bridge between where i am now and where i’m headed is the medicine walk -- the initiation.

one can spend a whole lifetime praying for change, yet quake in their boots and crumble in the face of the enormity when it comes. #dreamscomingtrue often feels like dying. “we must let go of the life we had planned so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” joseph campbell
tiny deaths, radical rebirths.

it’s so easy to shut down \ distract \ numb out, turn away.
our culture is powered by this response – it creates the hole, then sells us ways to fill it.
creates stimulus-addicts that can’t bear solitude, stillness, presence.
fragments our wholeness.

divided, we fall.

big scary change blows up our plans, pulls the rug of stability and familiarity out from underneath us. #thetower
our vision can easily become clouded\bombarded by the debris. we can’t see, so we don’t believe.
we thrash around in the dark, terrified of the unknown.

#twoofwands urges us gather all our inner resources, stand in wholeness, find our center. have the courage to drop the mind and let the heart lead (it glows in the dark - it can feel the shapes of what we cannot see).

transformation = a sudden freefall toward a vague (but strong) vision of the future. surrounded by vast unknown – like in the movie gravity, when sandra bullock goes flying\\spinning off into space, and with every revolution of her body she can see the earth for a brief moment, bright in the distance, only to lose sight of it again a moment later as she spirals back toward infinite emptiness / the abyss.

when big life-changing transformation is occurring in your life, do you face it head on? or is the impulse to run, hide, find a tiny corner that feels somewhat familiar and curl up there with your eyes closed until it’s all over?

it’s all good. they’re both valuable responses. but only one sets us free\ leads us to the holy land of our dreams.

alchemy is consciously assisted evolution.

magic is a willingness to cooperate with everything.

! turn and face the change !

ask yourself what you’re so afraid of and really receive the answer.
ask yourself what you’re unwilling to feel.

the moment i do, the mountain becomes a molehill. i can literally feel my resistances and limitations shattering around me. boundaries collapsing \\ visions materializing (collapse the wave to create your reality)

by sitting still within the fiery furnace of change i realize -- the inquiry isn’t how to avoid fear and uncertainty, but how we relate to discomfort.
liberation doesn’t come from resisting our fears, but getting to know them well.
touch them. smell them. put them on and see how they want to move. melt them into fluid. wash yourself of yourself.

fear is the moongate -- the eye of the needle -- the invitation.

“find out what a person fears most, and that is where he will develop next.” -carl jung
“where your fear is, there is your task!!!”
the growth we need next (we need most) is usually found where we least want to look.

the antidote to this, for me, is courage, willingness, and most of all, friendliness towards my own self.
when we look closely, we can see that so much of our aversion comes down to a denial/rejection of our experience -- of ourselves, as we are in this moment.

i am constantly discovering finer and subtler patterns of microscopic bullying – this part trying to dominate that part, trying to “put things in their right place.”
complete acceptance of oneself = maitri // a simple, direct, fully embodied + liberated relationship with the way we are.

without complete acceptance of the self (maitri), self-correction becomes abusive.
be a guardian to yourself. “let the flower of compassion bloom in the rich soil of maitri, and water it with the good water of equanimity in the cool, refreshing shade of joy.” – longchampa

what does expanding my joy look like? ::/

flowers bursting, windchimes singing, rainbow prism lightbeams scattered across the kitchen floor.
handpicked wildflowers on the kitchen table and dozens more growing outside the door.
deep breaths. long sighs. making love in the afternoon.
wild dirt-covered cubs laughing.
deep presence. grounded. fully embodied, dancing, beaming.
soul-expressed. authentic living. “my religion is to trust myself.” -yoko

all-day hikes to waterfalls. picnics on the forest floor.
this moment unfolding infinitely outward, me expanding with it -- into it.

rainbows over the mountain and the sea, shooting stars catching my attention – “look up, look close.”
the night sky reveals galactic secrets -- we are not alone.
the sea beckons, calls me home.