meditations, initiations \\ love lights the way

J A N U A R Y 2 2 , 2 0 1 8

“to see a world in a grain of sand, and a heaven in a wild flower :: hold infinity in the palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour.”

a delicious gong bath and conscious dance last weekend with friends. i left some serious old energy on the floor and danced myself right into the heart of my own power source ::

i’m devoted to self-generating my own power + praise, without relying on or allowing the influence of external sources to hinder my authentic movement through life.
“i’ve settled it for myself so that flattery and criticism both go down the same drain and i am quite free.” { georgia o’keefe }

it comes from the inside out, not the other way around.

it’s days like today that fill my heart with gratitude.
these are the days i yearn for/ dream of. and when they come, in all their beauty and glory, they shine a light in every corner of my life.

my entire being is coming into bloom; light, warmth, color, vitality -- the energy of rebirth. i thought i was born again after iboga but perhaps i was only re-conceived. i’ve spent the last 3 years forming and growing and pushing through the birth canal - dark, painful, uncertain, confusing.
here I am - the crowning. the bud bursting from the inside out.

pat attends his 10-day vipassana retreat -- a light warrior doing battle on the front lines of his own self mastery.
changing our lives from the inside out. it’s huge in a way i don’t have words for. monumental invisible change.
i can feel his energy weaving with mine, even as we’re apart.
lifting, rising, brightening. luminous love.
✨🌟💫💛💫🌟✨

he returns and i’m drawn to him like a magnet - i can’t get enough.
i yearn to bathe him in technicolor love -- the full spectrum of pleasure and feeling that he’s lived without for weeks (retreat required silence, no reading/writing, minimal meals only twice per day, waking at 4am, meditating for hours and hours, sitting still without movement, without touch, without distraction). nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. unavoidable self-reflection. unbearable self-confrontation. enlightening self-realization.

we hold each other, laugh, cry, make love over and over and bask in the light of our experiences colliding.

his radiance leads me back to my own meditation practice, like a horse to the oasis (he now meditates for 2 hours everyday).

my own meditations challenge me. i play tug of war with myself, ego running amok -- to and fro, stop and go, grasping onto anything and everything to pull my out of center. it’s favorite direction to pull me is forward. toward something. reaching for something, always reaching.

when i allow it to thrash without moving me -- when i stay grounded in my center, it brings out the big guns. sudden hyper awareness of where my physical experience is “wrong” (posture, breathing pattern, tension, etc), which rouses me to (unconsciously/unintentionally) bully and coax back into the “right position.” i tell myself, get it right! then you’ll be able to drop in.
a total contradiction.

to drop in
we must d
r
o
p

trust fall away from distraction, into the moment as it is.

“the usefulness of the cup is its emptiness” - bruce lee.

when we reach and grasp and thrash for an experience to fill us, we’re already full. there’s no room to enter. we’re a peak. in order to receive we must become the valley. get empty, get free. how lonely and empty and weighted it is at the very top of one’s identity. nothing can fill you there. you tower over everything and still you feel empty. in the valley you are a container and the whole universe can pour in.

instead of sitting on the perch of myself, watching the ego dart all over the place, or even trying to chase it, capture it, subdue it - i embrace it, encompass it. wrap the full circumference of my awareness around the thoughtform right where it is. i don’t attempt to make it come to me- it doesn’t know how where to find me. i go to it. meet it again and again right where it is. contain it in the light of pure awareness. detached observation, radical acceptance, brave integration.

compassion as a verb /: awareness that moves as the embracing light of love.