subtle drifts // seismic shifts
S E P T E M B E R 1 9 , 2 0 1 5
we hike to the end of the earth -- tennessee valley, california
this morning i was asked a question that i couldn’t resist thinking deeply on
“what unconscious conditions do you feel need to be met in order for you to manifest your healthy qualities (highly principled, humane, gracefully balanced)?
what in you is preventing you from being at your best place right now?”
{ enneagram type 1 prompt -- divine perfection }
overwhelm and stress (whether real or perceived) are the things that prevent me from being my best self.
inner peace and presence (and entire days spent outside under the sun) help me be my very best.
my energy system requires that it be full before healthy output can occur. i run myself ragged with burn out, which happens when i don’t replenish the inner wellspring.
stress becomes somatic. body acidic, mind aflame. constriction. everything gets small, tight. i lash out at anything that i perceive to be contributing to my stress. nag my loved ones. live in a prison of never-ending checklists so that i can subconsciously measure the level of okay-ness, but for every one task accomplished, three more appear.
overwhelm is a rigged game. “should” is a prison, when we think it’s the key.
i’m navigating my marriage bumpily, messily, but truly. the mantra “ladies first” keeps playing in my mind. the woman sets the energetic tone in her space// her home. she leads -- not outwardly, but inwardly. she colors the entire experience.
slow, subtle drifts// seismic shifts.
the duality between pat’s dreamy, free-flowing ways (👋♓️) and my own meticulously planned and supervised approach to life. i feel that neither can budge lest the intricate balance of the universe fall apart - we are north and south going zax, playing our part. yet time and time again, when i take the first step to the side, things fall into their place. crack the mold, melt the mask. rewrite the coding of our lives from the inside and everything changes// the program upgrades. i remember :: everything we want on the outside must exist within us first.
#embodythechange so it knows where to find you.
drop in >>> l e t i t a l l g o
i release the need for explanations, definitions.
vulnerable. malleable. willing, without knowing. embracing the what, releasing the how.
peace doesn’t exist in thought loops. we try and try to reason/ruminate/contemplate our way out of things. sometimes this is what’s needed, but mostly it makes me feel like i’m running in circles -- like a chicken with her head cut off -- like a chicken with only a head.
peace and presence can only exist embodied, here now, in the realm of feeling. sensing each moment as new. asking to know it. hands on heart and belly.
perspective shift\\ changing the vantage point.
liberation is breaking free from anything that stands in the way of direct contact with the self/soul/spirit.
the greatest barriers are in our own minds, our own thoughts.
life is a series of connections -- to others, to the earth, to ourselves. i remind myself to make them consciously. deliberately. slowly.
we can expand our field extend our antenna at will.
only two weeks until iboga.
the medicine has been working on me from the moment i made the decision. embarking on a spiritual quest and coming out the other side forever-changed excites me. fear is here, but curiosity and willingness are bigger.
a terrifying wonder::: like traveling to space, or glimpsing my own future.
i don’t know what the horizon holds, but i plant my feet and resolve to meet it, brave and bright.
i pray for openness, expansion, a greater capacity to love and be loved. to know myself more deeply, love myself more truly. to access deeper wells of inner strength.
i ask::
show me what i’ve forgotten.
help me be better. as mother, sister, daughter, wife, self.
ancestors, guide me now.
what animals are present with me?
what cords from the past need to be cut? what seeds for the future need to be planted?
how can i live my life from the inside out// make my existence a reflection of my soul?
i feel myself moving toward the answers… so slowly it’s almost still. so enormous the wheel, it’s turning is almost imperceptible. like the earth on its axis. like the seasons. evolution is slow until suddenly things are changed.
slow, subtle drifts\\ seismic shifts.
